A Sinner's Prayer
by jstxanothrxstory
Summary: Edwin develops a crush on Lizzie, who has a confession to make to everyone. Set during their junior year of high school. UPDATE: Sorry for the long wait guys, chapter 3 is up and chapter 4 is being written as we speak.
1. Late Night Conversations

I can't believe this. I like her; the girl who, up until now, had only been my step-sister and friend that I could count on. I know I couldn't tell her, she'd thing I was some sort of sick and perverted freak.

I was supposed to be doing my homework for English, but my mind kept going back to Lizzie. Her brown, straight her, and the smile with teeth that white, I couldn't believe I was thinking this.

_Relax,_ I told myself, _you can't like her... she's your stepsister. That's gross._

But... even if that was true, then why in the hell did I still like her? I mean, she was just another girl, like all the girls in my senior class, but there was something about her. There was a saying that some things were hard to forgot, and I guess Lizzie was one of them.

I sneaked a glance at my alarm clock. It read 12.00a - midnight. Great... my bedtime was three hours ago, and everyone was probably asleep. Well, I knew there was a chance that Derek was in his room jerking off to porn or something. Casey was probably just not getting to sleep after her late night chats to her boyfriend.

Sighing, I slipped a pair of shorts and a wife-beater shirt over my nude body before I opened my bedroom door and walked down the hall. I opened the door to Lizzie's room and looked in.

She was sleeping, her stomach slowly moving up and down. She looked so serene in her bed, which was something else to make me look so guilty about.

I looked at her for what seemed like forever, but I knew in reality that it was probably only a few minutes. I heard a loud bang, then a fuck, and then the sounds of a light turning off. I knew that it was probably Derek finishing whatever he was doing tonight and going to sleep.

As I walked back to my bedroom, I started thinking of her more. I knew I had to get some advice, but I didn't know who I could talk to that wouldn't laugh at me or think I was disgusting.

I figured I might as well see if Derek had managed to hang onto his consciousness long enough, or he might've still been drying himself with the towel. After taking the slowest walk of my life, I nervously knocked my hand on his door.

He opened up and his shaggy hair was a disheveled mess. His boxers were drooping off his skinny body, and he was covered in sweat. You could see him trying to get his heartbeat back under control.

"Edwin, it's 12:30 in the morning, what do you want?" he groaned.

"I need advice," I replied, looking helpless and lonesome.

"Can't this wait until morning?"

"No," I replied. "I need advice now."

He groaned and looked at me for a second. He wiped sweat off his tan forehead with his arm, which didn't help as it too was sweaty, before he rolled his eyes and said, "Come in."

I walked in and sat next to him on the bed. He was rubbing his eyes, trying to stay awake. I looked at his computer desk. He had a pile of homework still to finish.

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"I like someone... someone I'm not supposed to like..."

"Look, if this is about coming out of the closet, please don't give me the details," he said.

"No! It's not that!" I replied. He did a sigh of relief and waited for me to continue. "I like Lizzie."

"Lizzie?!" he exclaimed, nearly falling off the bed. As in our stepsister Lizzie?"

I wasn't sure what to reply; I remained frozen to the core. Finally, I mustered up the courage to reply with a single "yes."

"Does she know?" Derek asked.

"No," I replied, "and I'd appreciate it if she didn't know, so don't tell anyone."

"Don't worry, I won't," he said. "But, how're you going to tell her when it comes time too?"

"I didn't think of that," I sighed. I fell back in his bed, nearly on the verge of tears. It was soon after that Derek fell asleep. I was too lazy to move, and he was at the foot of the bed, so I figured _what the hell?_ I found myself falling asleep only a few minutes after that.

I woke up and saw Derek still asleep at the foot of his bed. It was dark outside, and his room was even darker. His alarm clock flashed 5:30am, and after trying unsuccessfully to go back to sleep, I got up.

I got of out his bed and walked back down the hall, back to Lizzie's room. Her door was still cracked from when I had been to it earlier. She was still sleeping, except now her covers were askew. After contemplating whether I should go in there and fix them or not, I decided to go ahead and do it.

Her room felt like an icebox, and I was wondering how on earth she could possibly sleep in this. I reached her bed and breathed like I hadn't done it all night. I took her covers and pulled them back up to her face. Her arms slipped down and snuggled onto the cover. Her calm body looked so serene in the light.

I could tell dawn was coming through the small cracks in Lizzie's room. With that, I ran my finger down her cheek and I walked out of the room, reliving those few precious moments.

I needed a shower, so I walked into the bathroom. I slipped my shirt and basketball shorts off before stepping in the cold shower. I didn't even bother to turn the ice cold water to warm – all I needed was a place where my tears would look like water droplets, and the shower was the perfect place for that. I needed to cry, and cry I did.


	2. I Like You

I was sitting at the table when morning came. I was the only one there, which I didn't doubt. It was 6:30 in the morning on a Saturday. No one would be up this early, except for the creeps and weirdos (I was still trying to decide which one I fell under).

I sat thinking to myself for a few moments. The house was quiet, and this was when I usually took advantage of it. I could walk around the house or sit on the back porch and let the birds chirping fill my ears. Today, though, was different.

The bathroom door was slightly cracked, and the nightlight was shining through. I pushed the door ajar and walked in. The nightlight was flicking. I flipped the regular light on, then closed and locked the door.

I grabbed the drawer and pulled it up. Searching through it - I found what I had wanted - a razor. I popped the tag and saw the razor slices fall against the counter. I grabbed one and sliced it against my arm.

The blood dripped down my arm, and I slid the door crying. I dozed off and the next thing I remember was a loud knock at the door.

"Edwin, open the damn door!" Derek screamed. I slowly woke up and looked at my arm. The blood had stopped, but I had blood on my arm.

"I'm up!" I yelled back and stood up.

I washed my hand and arm under the sink. I opened the door and Derek was staring at me. He smiled and said: "Well, look who finally decided to get up. It's eight o' clock."

"AM or PM?!"

"AM, you idiot," he said. "Now if you don't mind, I've got to take a huge piss."

"Oh sorry," I said.

I moved aside and let him use the bathroom. I could hear the sounds of him peeing and then I walked upstairs.

Lizzie's door opened and she appeared. She said hey to me, but I ran past her room as fast as I could. I could hear her and Casey whispering and I definitely heard my name mentioned.

I opened my door and fell back on my bed, slamming my door in the process. I clicked the on button and my radio blasted Three Days Grace out of the speakers.

I ate breakfast next to Derek. Dad and Nora were out running errands and Casey was "studying" at some guy's house, so it was just Lizzie, Derek, and I. Derek finished eating his pancakes and left.

Lizzie and I ate the rest of our breakfast in silence. She finished before I did and walked up the stairs to her room. I sat in silence for a second and then decided to walk to her room.

She was doing her homework. I knocked on the door and asked if I could come in. She said sure. I asked her what she was doing, even though I already knew the answer. She chuckled: "Homework."

"Lizzie, there's something I need to tell you," I said, after a long pause. She turned to me; I knew there was no going back now.

"What?" she asked.

"It's hard to say but—I like you… as more than a sister," I replied after a loud sigh.

Her expression was mixed, and it was hard to tell what she was thinking. I looked at her, hoping for a reply. Her eyes just seemed empty.

"Get out!" she screamed at me after a long pause. "Get off of my bed and get the fk out of me room!"

She was slapping me and pushing me out of her room. I ran out of her room and down the hallway. I opened the door to the bathroom and slammed it shut. I took the razorblade I had used earlier and I cut my arm with it again.

The blood trinkled down my arm and I began to feel the pain from my body releasing. I wiped the blood off my arm to the sound of someone knocking at the door. I opened the door and saw Derek standing there. He moved the hair out of his eyes and looked at me.

"Dude, what's wrong?" he asked me.

"Lizzie doesn't like me how I like her," I said. I felt a drop from my arm and looked at it briefly. Derek looked down and saw the three cuts I had.

"Edwin—" he started.

"I gotta go," I whispered and ran down the hall to my room. The door closed behind me and I locked it.

There was a knock at Derek's door not too long after that. Derek opened the door, expecting me, but instead saw Casey.

"I want to talk," she said.

Derek turned to her and asked, "Oh yeah? What about?"

"What is up with Edwin and Lizzie? I mean, all day those two have been acting differently." She showed emotion and emphasis when she spoke.

"EDWIN TOLD HER?!" Derek asked, surprised.

He noticed her confused reaction. Derek, knowing Casey as well as he did, pulled her into his room and closed his door. Casey looked even more confused by the time Derek sat next to her.

"Edwin likes Lizzie," he sighed.

Casey's eyes got wide, and she kept asking "what?!" over and over again. Realizing something like this was happening, and realizing she hadn't predicted it, she sighed.

I walked down the hallway to the bathroom and turned the light on. I saw my reflection in the mirror – tired, cold, and drag. After I turned the faucet on, I stripped naked and stepped in the cold shower water. It was in there that I cried.

I looked around for the nearest razor blade. I grabbed the first one I saw (which happened to be Derek's – I don't want to know what he shaves with it), and sliced it against the flesh of my upper arm. There was a burning sensation – one from the cut, and another one from the water pelting the deep wound.

Blood trickled down my skinny tan arm and down to the drain where my feet were. I began to feel woozy and I slowly slid down. Lying on the floor, I closed my eyes and waited for my body to go numb.


	3. The Bathroom Stall

The next day was pure murder. The weekend was over – back at school, back to normality. Or at least as close to normality as I can get. I was not looking forward to being back there, not now that Lizzie would probably be telling _everyone_ about what happened.

I walked down in the kitchen that morning to get breakfast. Nora told me that Lizzie went ahead and walked to school before handing me the lunch money. I just rolled my eyes – of course.

The bus stop was cold. I could feel my flesh freezing as the winds blew on me. It wasn't that I was too lazy to dress right for the weather; it's just that I didn't feel the need to. My mind was already numb; why not make my body numb as well?

The bus was late that day. I remember because I could see the sun rising in the far horizon. The pink-yellow colour that was spread into an opaque turquoise. The edges of the sun's rays were reflecting off the dense clouds. A few stars remained, their luminance getting ready to fade. Even the moon had started disappearing.

I got distracted by the sunset that I didn't notice the bus pull up. The door opened and the driver honked. I jumped, snapping out of my daydream, and saw the bus driver staring at me: "Are you gonna ride, kid?"

"Yeah, sorry," I say, getting in. I look around for a seat, and notice there's a whole empty one. I think to myself before I realize, i Duh, that's where Lizzie and I sit. /i I sit down and sat my backpack in my lap.

The bus turned down the cul-de-sac as I slipped my iPod headphones into my eyes. I turned the music on full blast and let the screaming vocals fade out the chitter chatter of various students.

I sat on a bench next to the lockers for a while. The morning air was crisp on my skin and refreshing. I was able to get away from the real moment for those few seconds, until they were shattered by the sounds of Lizzie laughing.

She was standing by her locker, stunning as always. Her few friends were next to her and they were giggling and laughing. She briefly glanced over at me and her expression turned from happiness to hate. Her burning eyes glared at me and her mind seemed to scream, "What the fuck do you want, you pervert? Get out of here!"

I remained there for a few seconds before finally rushing to the bathroom and throwing up.

By the time seventh bell arrived, I was more than ready to head home. It wasn't that I wasn't in the mood for class (though it did contribute to it), it's that she was in the same class as me, sitting on the opposite side of class for once.

Our teacher was droning on and on about this and that, about negatives to positives, positives to negatives, about too many things for me to comprehend. Then she mentioned partner assignments.

Oh please, please, don't let me get Lizzie. For the love of god, anyone but Lizzie. We always worked together, but that didn't exactly seem like it would be a good idea given the current circumstances.

"Michael, you'll work with Quinn. Rachelle, you'll work with Dirk. Edwin, you'll work with Lizzie. Melanie, you'll w--"

My hand shot up: "Mrs. Leggat, can I go to the bathroom?"

"Can it wait, Edwin?"

"Yes, but I hear that holding in your urine can make it hard to sustain an erection or even get aroused."

She rolled her eyes. She had heard this many times from Derek. "Sure, just get back today."

I opened the stall door and sat on the toilet. I rummaged through my pockets. Where was it; where was it? It had been here before. I tried to find it, struggled to find it. Where the fuck was it!? Finally, my hands managed to find the razour that I had used to make the cuts on my arms.

The first one, the scar from three days ago, was starting to fade. The other two were still fresh, but looked to be aging given the days. I put the blade against my right arm, just above my wrist and pushed it in.

I instantly felt numb. My soul floated up and looked down on my body taking advantage of itself. The blood began to arrive as I gradually got deeper. The air flew in through the wound and tears began to form at the edges of my eyes.

Who was I? I certainly wasn't Edwin, the 16-year-old teenager who was in his junior year of high school. I wasn't the sweet, baby-faced teenager who didn't make the same "grades" as his big brother Derek Venturi.

And yet, sitting on this toilet stall with blood beginning to drip on the cold, marble floor reminded me that I was.

I realized I still had the razor in my arm, cutting the skin a millimeter away from my veins. I pulled it out and set it on the ground. The blood was oozing out faster than I could comprehend.

I slammed my other hand on it to get it to stop. Ow; shit, that didn't work. I looked around to try to find something. I pulled my shirt off and wrapped it around my arm, trying to put pressure on the cut.

God, I'm an idiot. I'm a Grade-A idiot. You learned from Degrassi that this wasn't right to do, why the fuck would you try to do it?

I sat my head against the stall and let the numbness slowly fade away. I started feeling pain and I closed my eyes. Blackness surrounded me. I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn't. My body was in sleep mode and I was too weak to fight it. The last thing I remember is the bell ringing...

My eyes slammed open. The only remaining light in the bathroom was the one flickering above my head. I looked at my watch. 6:40. Holy shit, I'd been passed out for four and half hours.

I pulled my phone out. It said three missed calls and one new text. I clicked view text. It was a short message from Lizzie, saying, "We need to talk." I gulped.


End file.
